A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
