I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
