Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
