I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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