i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
