I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
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so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
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Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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