Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
