Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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