My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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