Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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