I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
