i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
