you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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