my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
