non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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