My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
