she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
