he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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