I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
