I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
