Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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