just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
