And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
