The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
