Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
