I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
