he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
