how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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