i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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