I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
