His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
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I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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