I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
