her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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