I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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