I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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