shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
