bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
