dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
