I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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