And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
