I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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