He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
