When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
