good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am naked and annoyed.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Dicks are not precious.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
