I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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