Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
