Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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