She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
