I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
