Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
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