Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
