So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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