You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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