Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
