happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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