$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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