Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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