Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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