He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
