wanna go halves on a baby?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
