im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
