i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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