i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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