i need an iv and a liver transplant
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
