Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
