Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
