how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
